Last week I was told that it sucks to be a man, a virgin and 28 – all at once. “It’s like being pregnant for many, many years,” my 28-year-old, male, virgin friend told me.

I laughed at the comparison, but if the analogy is anywhere close to being true, I sympathise with all those in the category. I’m happy not to be in their shoes… or pants.

Twelve stories you liked best in 2012!
First published 28/05/2012

Sexless
“I have had many girlfriends and flings and all that,” my friend said, “but I have never had sex. You might not want to believe it, but it’s true.”

I have heard of sexless relationships. But they have often been stories from teenage. Teenagers are generally insecure about ‘giving it all away’. They have notions of ‘saving it’ for the right person. I guess a few years down the line, people realise that a ‘right person’ is an illusion!

De-virginising years
So, why was my friend still a virgin at 28?

“Definitely not because I choose to be,” he said. “See, I had my first ‘girlfriend’ when I was 12 or 13. She wasn’t ready to have sex. And I wasn’t craving it either. It was puppy love. Then I remained single for a very long time. Until I was about 23. I just fantasised about girls, and was too shy to do anything in ‘real’ life,” my friend explained.

Ah, so he missed out on the crucial de-virginising years. “Yes, and when I was 23 and a virgin, I was always conscious of being a virgin. I heard from all my male friends that they weren’t. So I thought women might find it weird to be with a grown up virgin man,” he said.

Vicious cycle
Due to his complex, my friend stayed a closeted virgin. He never approached any girl – the only way to lose his virginity – and as a result remained a virgin. That’s a vicious cycle right there.

“And I wasn’t growing younger. It just kept getting more and more weird. The last girl I met thought I was impotent. She joked about it, but I knew right away that I wasn’t getting closer to her,” my friend told me.

That sounds terrible, but what’s gone is gone. Let’s look at the future. What was his strategy? How was he going to crack open his huge, bulging, virgin suitcase?

White lie
“I have thought about it a lot and I think as immoral as it sounds, I have to lie to the next woman I meet. I have to be all suave and smooth. I have no guilt. It will just be a white lie. It will help everyone involved. That’s the only way out,” he said.

But what if it gets serious and if she finds out later? “Well, going by my success rate, that’s a rare probability. I wouldn’t waste my time thinking about that,” he said!

By Gayatri Parameswaran
Photo: Gayatri Parameswaran, © Love Matters/RNW

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