Q: I am really confused about my sexuality. What if I am gay?

It is always going on in my mind and affecting my performance – I am student in Delhi. I can't even discuss this issue with my parents as they are old fashioned. Is being gay normal? Please help, me Auntyji. Dhurva, Delhi

Auntyji says... Dhurva puttar, let me tell you that being gay is absolutely normal. That said I completely understand that it is not easy for you to deal with this all by yourself.

First of all, breathe in and breathe out. Take a few deep breathes and calm down. No, I am not trying to teach you kapalbharti. My intention is to help you relax and take it easy. I see you are under a lot of stress. Your aunty is sending across a virtual Jaadu ki jhappi. In my experience there is nothing that a big tight hug cannot fix.

It's natural
Now, listen to me very carefully my son: homosexuality is nothing abnormal or unusual. It occurs in every culture and every age. The only difference is that majority of the people are heterosexual.

Betaji, just like most people in this world are right handed but that does not mean those who use their left hand are abnormal. Likewise people who are homosexual in their orientation are way fewer. And that is the only difference. 

Dhurva puttar, I know that you are an intelligent young man, but please know that between two and ten percent of people are gay (it’s hard for researchers to estimate). This means that maybe up to one child in every ten that is born anywhere in the world is gay. So there you go you are certainly not alone. What’s more there are many examples of homosexuality in the animal kingdom too! So don’t let anyone start telling you it’s ‘not natural’.

Betaji you need to know that this journey of accepting your sexuality and coming out to people is not going to be easy. But if you respect yourself for who you are, the world will be with you.

Telling the truth
Let me tell you about my nephew. He was almost your age when he realized about his sexual orientation. He was young and immature and decided not to talk about it. Just to fit in he started dating women. As luck would have it one of them fell in love with him. He ended up being with her for three years.

Time came when both families wanted them to settle down. He was miserable from the inside because he did not love her the way she did him. I clearly remember the night he confided into me. I guided him to do the right thing.

He called off the wedding and started afresh. It was not easy for him. Or his poor girlfriend – think of the heartache he put her through! But luckily he told her the truth before it was too late, and today she is married with two lovely children. What’s more, he too is a very happy man.

Meeting other gay people
See Dhurva you obviously need to start by talking about this. It is absolutely alright if you do not want to talk to your parents about this as of now. But make sure you confide into a very trustworthy person. Initially you will need people who have a positive reaction. Positive reinforcement usually helps and makes things easy.

Gradually you will see yourself becoming more and more comfortable with it. The next step is to meet other gay people. The feeling is very good especially when you meet other gay people for the very first time. While talking to an understanding straight friend is good but speaking to someone who shares your feelings and experiences is totally different.

As far as parents are concerned, always remember that they are two people who will love you no matter what. They might take some time in coming to terms with your sexuality. But that doesn’t mean they do not love you. Count your blessings and stay strong. I am certain you will find true love and live a happy life.
 

Photo: Auntyji, thinqkreations    

22/01/2013

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