“I like big butts and I cannot lie.” Yes, that’s a line from a childhood favourite.

Yes, I owe a lot to Sir Mix-a-Lot for opening my eyes. No, I still don’t get most men’s obsession with the women’s chests. But I worry about the bottoms of Indian women. It’s all that ass grabbing and butt pinching they have to suffer.

For starters, most men just don’t understand the gloriousness of the female behind. Breasts are like a pastry collection. They can be small, large, droopy, fluffy and come with nipple/areola toppings. They can be delicate, difficult to handle and they usually don’t age very well. But bums, they’re soul soothing like a pound cake. Soft but taut, mostly round and always satisfying. Very hardy, multipurpose and they last long too.

Childbearing hips
Think a bit, it sort of makes sense. Unlike breasts, which serve no useful service for adults, a big behind is actually a worthy asset. Protruding delicate curvatures make it the most visible part of our anatomy. They’re wonderful cushions to sit on, are useful to hold your trousers and then there are the daily discharges.

I also stand by the Darwinian explanation that men (or more commonly, our mothers) look out for women with childbearing hips that will take our alpha-malesness forward. So it wouldn’t be too wrong to declare the ass to be the ‘king of body parts’.

Grab attacks
Which brings me to my real rant. Why can’t Indian men figure out how to handle her highnesses? A derriere is a thing to be cherished, revered and even admired. But there’s an art, if not science behind proper handling of the behind. You guys just seem to waste it on random grab attacks. Yes, I’m talking to most of you out there.

The first ten female friends I approached on Facebook yesterday have had their bums fondled by complete strangers. It happened in busses, in pubs, in schools and in markets. So a wide demographic can be held responsible. This is not just gross, but insanely stupid. Forgive my naivety, but what fun can be derived by a futile attempt to paw a large chunk of skin multiple layers of clothing?

Lame excuses
Only thing more foolish then ass grabbing is butt pinching. Just out of curiosity I attempted it on a consenting guinea pig. And both of us felt nothing. No arousal. No pleasure. No nothing. Just a squeak from the girl and a guarantee that she’ll never come close to you again.

I’ve heard all the regular excuses and they still don’t make sense. Men are not wired to be lusty animals. Women don’t ask for it. The short skirts are for themselves, not your viewing pleasure. Cold weather is not a good excuse to run against someone. And neither is drunkenness. So stop with the bizarre lame excuses.

Love and consent
I worry about the state of ‘bottom’ affairs because even those in a relationship (or with regular access to round behinds) don’t know how to handle them. Gentlemen, they can be used for much more than just holding on during your favourite position. Ask your lady about her erogenous spots and add that meaty twist to your bedroom adventures.

So will all butt-lovers please stand up? They are mighty and they are magical. There are literally vast expanses to be explored. And even if you have to slap them, do it with love. And consent.

By Kuber Sharma

Photo: Kuber Sharma, © Love Matters/RNW

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