Boobs. Even in my late teens I had trouble saying this word. Not anymore. Boobs. There I said it again. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

Some men claim to be confused by them. The rest are obsessed by them. Rather strange situation. Because outside porn films, I haven’t encountered women who care much about any portion of our anatomy. (Trust me, she’s lying.)

Twelve stories you liked best in 2012!
#4 First published 03/05/2012

So why do we care? Can I once again blame media? For them boobs denote power. All video game/action flicks’ gun toting heroines have them spilling out. And even I followed every bounce in a Sania Mirza match. We are forced to pay so much attention that we clamour for still more. And paraphrasing Ogden Nash, “And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest”.

Please hold your applause for that last pun, because I am worried. Worried about how these boob-crazed boys are turning the women crazy. Apparently 55,000 Indian women got theirs enhanced last year. And I am guessing that most of them went for enlargement. And I refuse to believe that almost all of them did it for themselves.

Fun to play with
Which is ridiculous. Because those enhanced things only look good to your friends and neighbours. For everyday usage they are pretty sad. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if a few amongst us broke their jaws with a particularly large pair during a failed attempt at Kama Sutra position No. 117.

Let me put across the assman next door’s point forward. So boobs are oval, soft and sensitive. I agree that they are fun to play with. They jiggle well and are good tools to learn many physics laws. But I sincerely don’t care too much about the really big ones. Of course I might be biased because my girlfriend is moderately endowed (sour grapes and all). But seriously, as Paul Pfeiffer declared in Wonder Years, anything more than a handful is wasted.

Peer pressure
And science supports me too. Since the number of nerve endings is approximately the same on all pairs, it’s easier and more fun to stimulate the smaller ones. The truth is, my fellow men, that perfectly round boobs are as common as six packs. And as useful too. Crucially, they stay in that shape for the same duration the average set of six packs lasts – or two weeks, whichever is shorter.

Those who have regular access to soft chest tissues will agree with me. Those who don’t, well, let me be blunt and say that they don’t know enough. So if the root cause of your infatuation with the mammary glands is peer pressure alone, you may stop right now. A lot of you will disagree, but in my extremely humble opinion, boobs are really no big deal. They’re good fun to hang out with but not the end of the world.

Staring
Especially seeing the length or rather the depth men go for them. I think I’ve said it before, but let me please repeat myself. There is no right way to check out a pair of boobs. The more you obsess, the worse you’ll feel.

So go ahead, make friends with them. No, don’t grab the first pair you see. Just get a girlfriend or a wife or a casual fling. Or just eat a lot of butter. You will be blessed with your own pair. And you’ll realize their futility. Yes, been there, done that.

It took me time and countless French Open viewings. I am happy to announce that I’ve grown up. Now I judge you for staring at her boobs. I do feel bad for the girl. More than that, I feel bad for you.

By Kuber Sharma
Photo: Kuber Sharma, © Love Matters/RNW
 
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